Lala!!

Breezing the Interview

My survival guide has returned... it's true!
Here are some tips I've gleaned, and will share with you prior to any testing, becuase we all know that's how the professionals do it. These tips are designed to help you get the job and join the American working class.

1. My first piece of advice would be hygeine, hygeine, hygeine!! Scrape the weird colored dirt out from under your fingernails, brush the hair (post washing please!), I know it's new, but use deoderant!! Your appearance is the first thing an interviewer sees, so you want to make sure you're looking good. Smell is the second thing they'll notice. As you approach your interviewer, they'll soon be able to detect the rank breath, the strange smell coming from somewhere in your vicinity, the cloud of dust that follows you around like Pigpen on Charlie Brown. So to sum it up-- hygeine, just do it.

2. Don't seem overly anxious to answer questions.. this is not Jeopardy folks! It may be tempting to begin your answer before your interviewer has even finished asking, and heck, you may feel acclomplished as a mind reader, and not feel the need to LISTEN. But trust me, they're going to want you to hear them out... unfortunately. Don't steam roll their half of the conversation, or they will demolish your chances at that prized job.

3. Don't ask about the quality of your work place. Nothing is more insulting than saying, "So what was your guys' rating, like, a B? It always has looked kinda dingy in here." If you want the job, you have to pretend like hole-in-the-wall Burger Shack (emphasis on the shack!!) is five-star dining at the Bellagio. Lean more toward questions that would imply the place is classy. Ask questions like, "So, when are the elephants coming out for your new promotional campaign?" or "Is that Kobe Bryant eating over there?! Man, this place must be good!". Don't panic when they look over and realize it's not Kobe Bryant. Just get a shiny, somewhat vacant star-struck look in your eyes, and then tell them that this is the best place in the world, and you couldn't imagine working anywhere else.

4. Don't hit on your interviewer. Chances are, they'll just see you as an unemployed bum who couldn't support a tiki hut. If you do decide that she's the one for you, wait until after you have the job! You may get fired for harassment after such point, but at least you'll have made a little dough.

5. When they ask you the most dreaded question, which they will, remain calm! This is the trickiest trick question, the stupidest stupid question, the question to beat all questions.
"Do you have any questions?"
Please! don't answer this with, "Why yes, I do-- do YOU have any questions?". Nobody wants a smart-mouth employee, no matter how clever you are. We all understand the temptation to answer this question in such a manner. There is no dumber question! What do they expect us to say?!
However, this is the question that may make or break your working career, and you really don't want to let this opportunity go by! When answering the question, act like you have been waiting the whole interview just for this question. Act like she just asked you to accept a million dollars. Really, pretend you're grateful for the opportunity. Then look her in the eyes, raise your eye brows with a slight shake of the head, and softly say, "I thought you'd never ask." Continue in seriousness to your very carefully "pre-formulated" question. Prepare at least three, because you know they'll keep going with the dumb question.
Ask things like,
"I just want to know what the most important thing to contribute to your company is."
NOT
"I just want to know how much you're going to pay me."
Ask
"I was really wondering if there are any questions you had about my suitability for the position."
NOT
"Can I smoke in the kitchen as long as some food catches on fire to camoflauge the smell?"
Ask something along the lines of
"What would you most like to see me accomplish when I get hired?"
NOT
"So can I go home now? Ooh, will I be off early everyday?"

In conclusion, I hope these tips have helped. There might be another, updated survival guide entry once I've actually set foot in my interview, and so keep your eyes peeled for such time!!

SO last night I was flipping through channels, desperate to quench some boredom. Suddenly, like a gift from the sky, I found "Living Lohan". This show is definitely scripted, and definitely a capatilization off the fame of a young family member. This is a show all about Lindsay Lohan's family-- minus the Lindsay.
None of the members of her family have a legitimate claim to fame, but they argue, "pull schemes" to mend relationships, and try to convince their dear old Granny to come to Vegas with them, when clearly, she'd rather choke down a bag of razor blades.
The lack of acting was one thing, but combined with the fact that they are hopelessly trying to portray it as reality is something that bothers even me.
I watched a whole episode waiting for Lindsay Lohan to pop out of the next room, be given a ring on the tele, or even be MENTIONED! The only reason I even figured out it was the same Lohan family was because Linsday's former movie posters were plastered about one room of the house.
It seems odd to me that they should be given so much attention for so much nothing that they do.

In other news, I go for my Applebee's interview today. I think I'm more afraid to get the job, than not to get the job.